The Moment I Let Go ("Fall For You," Leela James)

OMG this song! Okay, so the first time I heard this song I said, "Leela can saaaaaaaaang!" I didn't even listen to the words. Then one day I sat and listened quietly and was in awe. First of all, Leela's voice is not even human. The beauty in the tone. The feeling of every single word. That's talent. A gift that I pray she continues to share with the world even though she is so underrated. 

Fall For You reminds me of the chapter of our Wait For Love story that is titled, "The Moment She Let Go." I don't even know if he remembers, but when we reconnected in May 2012 and started courting, I was so difficult. Actually difficult is probably the word he would use, but I would say I was scared. Past hurts made me very cautious. Things between us had always been good. Too good. So when we made it passed date #5967 it caught me off guard.

I'm so used to standing

So used to being on my own

But this thing is new, baby

It feels like I'm losing control

Now we get to the point in the chapter when I knew I had fallen, but I let fear come in...One day I told him that he didn't need to call me everyday. I thought I could back up a little and stabilize my feet back on the ground (see I had been flying since that first date and I was so off balance). I remember saying it would be cool if just talked here and there. That he was doing too much. I laugh now because I remember times when I wanted men I dated to call or see me more and here I am telling someone who was ALWAYS there, to fall back a little. Sigh...

So I tell him all this and he simply says, "OK." No argument. He didn't ask any questions. He complied. I thought everything was good and we were both on the same page. We continued our conversation and said goodnight. Then the next day, I didn't get my good morning baby text. I didn't realize that I even cared that much about them. Kinda was nice to wake up to it everyday, but I shrugged it off. I was cool. Then the afternoon came and he didn't check in to see how my day was going. Weird, but I was cool. I said maybe he's busy, so I sent him a how are you text and he responded, but hours later. 

Okay, so now I'm at the end of the day and I'm no longer cool. Heck, I never was. Just lying to myself. My day was off, but I refused to say why. So I called him and no answer. UGH!! He called me later that night and said that he was giving me what I asked for. His plan was to not call until the next day, but he missed me. He told me that I can't keep pushing him away. That I can't say "mean things" anymore. He wasn't going anywhere and I had to open up. So that's the moment I let go. That's the moment I knew my life would never be the same. 

I don't even know that woman anymore. I have grown so much and I'm grateful that God sent me a man that could do the earthly work on me that He had begun years ago. These last 2 years Calvin has helped me heal. I've taken more risks. I stopped expecting the worst and started hoping for the best , even if it meant I would be disappointed. Disappointment will come, but I no longer allow it to wear on me. My prayer is that you don't allow past hurts to keep you from that thing that God has for you. As Mama Oprah has taught me, "Whatever happened to me, happened for me. God is ready to move me in a new direction and I have no choice, but to take my glory and run!"

God catches me when I fall everyday and Calvin caught me when I fell in love.

My heart is ready

For love and to be loved

And I choose you, baby

That's the one thing I'm sure of

So I'll take this one last step

Love Lessons from Crazy Eyes & Morello (SPOILER ALERT)

Okay, so I started Season 2 of "Orange is the New Black"and last night there was such a great interaction between two of the inmates. I absolutely love the characters and how colorful they all are. Some of the writing is superb and there are huge life lessons that you can take away from each episode....So anyway, not sure what episode I'm on, but it was when they were celebrating Valentine's Day. Crazy Eyes/Suzanne found the wedding invitation of Morello's love interest and confronted her about it. Here is what was said...

Crazy Eyes: ​I know something about loving people who aren't smart enough to wanna be loved back. The secret is, they don't deserve it.

Morello: ​What's crazy​ is ​I still wanna believe in love. Even after everything. Isn't that sad?

Crazy Eyes: ​No. ​I think that's brave.

I cried like a baby. I think I was already in a space because earlier in the day I heard that Ruby Dee had passed away and I was reading all these sweet stories about her and Ossie Davis's love. A love that I once longed for. A love that I always believed was real. Even when things looked bleak, I refused to settle for anything less than what I deserved. Yes, I got discouraged as I got older and still didn't have that love I was waiting for, but like Morello, there was still this part of me that knew he was out there.

So last night, the tears were not from sadness, but joy. I'm so happy that I know love. That I am with someone who loves me and is "smart enough to wanna be loved back." I never have to wonder how he feels about me. His actions show me every single day. The love between us is what keeps us together during those moments when we both get on each other's nerves (him more than me) LOL!!

Women like Morello and I have been in hurtful relationships and have had people treat us not so good, but we never stopped believing in love..."even after everything." Keep your faith in love. Be brave :-)

*Sweet P*

"Dark Girls" on OWN Sunday @ 10pm EST

On Sunday, June 23 at 10:00 pm EST, Oprah is premiering "Dark Girls" on OWN. 

Dark Girls is a fascinating and controversial film that goes underneath the surface to explore the prejudices dark-skinned women face throughout the world. It explores the roots of classism, racism and the lack of self-esteem within a segment of cultures.

This is an topic that is near and dear to my heart. In my blog "She's pretty for a dark skin girl.", I spoke of my issues growing up as a "dark-skinned" girl and how long it took to embrace all of my hot chocolaty-ness in a society where lighter skin was seen as better. My hope is that people will watch this documentary and use this as a discussion piece to help us unlock some of the crap that has kept us changed for way too long.

Sweet P

I am more beautiful than I think.

I was talking to a friend and he was commenting on how pretty I am. Not just pretty, but amazingly beautiful with model-like features. After I stopped laughing I said thank you and told him that I wish I saw what he saw. Yes, I can see beauty in myself and have grown over the years to love even the flaws, but sometimes all you can focus on are the flaws. That gets in the way of your overall perception of yourself.

After our conversation he sent me this Dove video and said that I reminded him of it. Its so powerful and so very true. We can be so critical of ourselves and others don't see half of what we see. I think this holds true for men and women. I'm going to work on speaking more positively about myself AND looking more for the good in others and focus less on the bad.

I also want to be mindful that people around me feed off my energy. If I wear my happiness, it looks better than if I put on down in the dumps. Today I'm feeling so blah, but no one else needs to know that. Anyone coming in my office today would think I was on top of the world. No point in making the ugliness show on the outside.

Sweet P

I'm not me when I'm hungry...

Eating right is killing me and my mood. I'm so happy and jolly when I'm full and fat LOL. Sad, but true. Some days are better than others. I had to feed the beast yesterday and now I'm back smiling. Reminded me this morning of the Betty White Snickers commercial. This is so me! If you see me being crabby, don't take it personal, just feed me :o)

Oh and in case you were wondering....It's 2 months until my birthday!!! YAY!!!! This year I will be vacationing in paradise. Looking so forward to it. Haven't been on a vacation in 5 years!! That's disgusting. This one is long overdue and I plan to enjoy, enjoy and enjoy some more. So really I have 2 countdowns going because today makes 56 days until my B-day vacation. Whoop whoop!!! Do the dance and drop it low...

*Sweet P*

Can you really be friends with an EX?

This is a really hard question for me.

Once upon a time I would have said NO. Ex's are relationships that did not work out for whatever reason and they should just stay gone. Don't bring your past into your present. However, this was coming from a person whose one and only relationship ended badly. My ex is a non-factor in my life now. No ill feelings whatsoever. It's just the person I am today wouldn't even want to be friends with him. I was young. He was old and stupid. Now I'm older and wiser and he's still just old and stupid LOL

Today, I think my view on this is...it depends.

What if you just dated for a period of time and you realized you were better off as friends? Say this is someone you grew up with and have known them practically all your life? It would be hard to just never speak again, especially if the relationship ended amicably. I could see how you could speak (occasionally) and see how the other person is doing.

But how can you be friends with an ex you had sex with? This is the hard part for me. I'm really not sure I am OK with that. In fact, I think I would have a problem with my man hanging out with women who've seen his penis. Being "friends" with someone you were with intimately and shared an emotional connection with can be a sticky situation. I think my issue is the definition of the friendship. What type of friend are you with your ex? Do you hang out and get drinks together? Are you calling him/her at all hours of the night? Now...if you trust him and he trusts you, then what's wrong with it? Yeah but...it's just such a gray area that should be avoided to keep the peace. I kept going back and forth on my position on this, so I asked a few friends what their thoughts are on this subject:

• T (male): Naa...that’s out of the question. I don’t want to be involved with no woman who still has any ties to any man because I’m sure they can hop in the sack together at any time.
• E (female): I think it happens. I'm big on trust in a relationship. I think there are boundaries and as long as you figure out what those are, and everyone is OK with the rules, then you deal.
• K (male): Really doesn't bother me. Every situation changes once a situation ends. I have exes that I am cool with. Talk to once a month. Once a week or everyday. I've even hooked exes up with other people. But that's just me. It's all about security. I don't believe once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. I believe every person should have a certain amount of control to control how much they drink. You don't tell a sex addict never to have sex again. It’s just all about self-control and self-discipline.
• M (female): Yes I think it’s possible. My feeling about my man being friends with someone he slept with depends on him. How open he is with the situation that happened and how he acts when she calls, like leaving the room, etc. It’s such a thin line.
• R (female): Friends that don't keep in contact is my preference, but I understand or whatever, just can't be buddy buddy. Text happy bday. Move on is my motto.

Again, such a touchy subject. I think that each case should be presented with all the evidence and couples should be really open about what is going on and how they really feel. Don't say, "Oh yeah I'm cool if ya'll are friends and hang out," then turn around and have an attitude when he gets home later from the bar and grill him all night about what he did and what he said and what did she wear and yada yada. It's not fair to him and it's just going to drive you crazy. 

Be open and honest. Communication and trust are two ingredients needed for a healthy relationship. That's the foundation that will keep your relationship intact when storms come. Be smart when you provide information though. I don't need to know every single time you have contact with your ex, but there are some interactions that need to be run by me first (if I have to tell him those instances, than we have bigger problems than his ex). 

I agree with one of my friends that it’s all about security. If I'm putting in my 100% and he adds his 100% to our relationship, then there is no way anyone else can meddle in that. Our plate is full and we are eating good!! Stay off my MF-in plate!! I'm never worried about another woman. I believe in trusting someone until they give you reason not to trust them. If I think too much about other women, then I'm saying that I'm not enough for my man. Don't give your mate's ex power over you.

I know this blog is all over the place, but some stuff in life is not black and white. I'm human so one day I may think rationally and be cool when his ex comes up and another day I may have green eyes for no reason at all. I just have to be adult enough to recognize if there really is a valid concern or if the issue is just within me. 

I know life didn't begin once Sweet P entered his world and vice versa, but can we just pretend that it did LOL

Sweet P

OPERATION: Sexxy Size 6!!

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired over my weight! I know people are so over hearing me talk about it too, so today I'm done talking. Time for action!! This weekend, I tried on my Maid of Honor dress from this time last year and could not even get the zipper to touch. Horrifying how much weight I gained since then and its no ones fault but my own. I have this insatiable love for food and disdain for exercise. Bad combination!

All summer long I've had issues with wearing cute dresses and clothes because I hate the way my stomach pokes out of everything. I'm developing these unsightly hate-handles on my back (nothing about them screams love). My thick legs that I have had since I was a little haute-mama are now stubby tree trunks. Something has to give today!

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I am starting a 30-day fast:

• No sweets.
• No fried foods.
• No soda or sugary drinks.
• No chips.
• No fast food.
• No bread.
• No pasta!! (tears)

I'm also going to be dating the gym. This on again off again, abusive relationship (me being the abuser) must end. It's funny because I read back to my posts about deep water aerobics and bootcamp and think wow that sure is an active and amazing woman! Where is she today?? SMH When I'm on it, I can't be stopped. But when I take a day off, it turns into a week and then a month. This pattern is so unhealthy.

My goal is to be a size 6. Haven't see that size since ...hmm....can't even remember when. It's going to be hard work, but I have "Perfect 10" potential and settle for being a "Cute 8" (and that's me being generous to myself). Time to look as sexxy as I feel in the inside.

OPERATION: Sexxy Size 6 in full effect!!

*Sweet P*

R.I.P. Whitney Houston

It is with a heavy heart that I write this post. When I heard that Whitney Houston had died, I hoped that it was a vicious rumor. She is the true definition of Legendary. I grew up with her music. I've cried to her songs; danced to her songs; and had a praise party to her songs. She has given us the gift of her voice for years and years and to say that she will be missed is simply an understatement.

Unfortunately, she has had a roller coaster of a life. The lesson to be learned here is that we must make better choices for ourselves. Healthy choices. It's not easy, but it's for our own good. In that interview she had a long time ago, most people remember her saying, "Crack is whack," but I remember her saying that the biggest devil is her. "I'm either my best freind or my worst enemy." I remember thinking how true that statement is. It is with tears that I can honestly say that I am my very own best friend.

I pray for Whitney's family, especially her daughter. That they try to find peace rather than understanding.

Such a tragic loss.

Here is my all time favorite song by the late, great Whitney Houston. It's my "I'm all that and even more than I even give myself credit for song." The freaky part is that she performed this at the Grammy's, which take place this evening.

May her soul FINALLY rest in eternal peace.

Sweet P

LNHP Recap: "B----, I'm Fuego"

Episode 2: "B----, I'm Fuego"

I couldn't wait for this episode to see the aftermath of the fight between Kimbella and Chrissy. I use the term fight loosely considering Kimbella was sucker punched and then stomped while she was on the ground while she was naked. LOL! She clearly didn't come for a fight; a dress with no undergarments??? Chrissy said that when Kimbella kicked her with her shoes on, she took that really personally. I think I would take it personally if you socked me in my face with all your weight behind it without me knowing it was even coming, OOMPA LOOMPA!!! Just silly and sad that grown women would engage in such foolishness. After all, Kimbella was just "endorsing Emily's decision to move on." HAHA! Gotta love it.

I will say that we as women need to learn to established names for ourselves other than mother of and wife of...Each episode Kimbella has be referred to as Juelz's girl or the mother of Juelz's child. (SN: When someone brings up a woman named Brea, someone asks, "Who is Brea?" and Yandy responds, "Juelz's 1st baby mama"). I mean really, what else are you known for? Time for you to take ownership over your life and do something with yourself other than lay on your back. She is already seen as a groupie for being with Fab. She apologizes to Emily, but her only excuse for it all is that she was single. Huh? Single means whoring around? I must be doing everything wrong then...

I think Kimbella is a beautiful Black woman and I want her to begin to love herself as much as she ACTS like she does. Sometimes we pretend to be confident, but our lack of love for ourselves still shines through. She's a mother now and from this point forward, I don't care whose woman she is, she is no longer single...she's a mother and that title alone should make her think about how her actions affect her and her child. Grow up Kimbella!

Now I do appreciate Kimbella apologizing to Emily, but why are you asking about what happened in their "relationship?" Let it go Emily! Dating or f---ing? Does it matter? You were pregnant and he was with another woman. Nuff said! Regardless of whether or not Kimbella knew about Emily does not change the fact that Fab was seeing other women while Emily was carrying his child. He's a man-whore and he has no respect for women. No longer will I see his videos or listen to his music and not, in the back of my mind, think LOSER!! Emily keeps saying that she is moving on...stop talking about it and be about it. I'm not convinced. Let's see how the rest of the season plays out. I'm still rooting for her though.

It doesn't help that Emily's getting advice from someone who is in denial that her relationship is a disaster, Chrissy. When she's talking to Jimmy about the fight, he's on his phone and not even paying attention. She seriously needs to leave this jerk alone. When Em and Chrissy talk at dinner about the fight, Em tells Chrissy that when Kimbella told her about her and Fab she didn't know what to say. Chrissy tells her that she "didn't have to tell her its cool cuz its not." Sad. here this woman wanted to move on and let it go and you took it upon yourself to fight a battle that was already won. Then she goes on to tell Em, "Nothing wrong with loving someone but you gotta love you first. If its for you he'll care for you, but if not then its not?" Really Chrissy listen to your own advice and leave Jim alone! I think she's really good about looking at everyone else's life and knowing right from wrong, but her heart is blinding her to the fact that Jimmy is not good for her. Probably and great guy, but they want different things out of life and she is wasting time hoping that he will one day change. Sigh...

Chrissy keeps saying she's misunderstood and people keep thinking she's a bully, but how can we think otherwise. The way she disrespectfully talks to Yandy, who is Jimmy's manager, is disgusting. Yandy stands her ground at all times. She's not afraid of Chrissy and I love that about her. She's about her biz. A check is important and like she said if it was all there was she wouldn't be with Jimmy. I guarantee he ain't bringing in the doe. Chrissy, you need to get a life and some respect and a CHECK for yourself! What is Chrissy's profession in life: Pitbull. SMH!

The award for "Hustler of the Year" goes to Somaya.  Glad she fired Tattoo. Granted he did get her recognized, but her fire for her grind will never go out. She is determined to make a name for herself. I mean she's "Somaya Resse!!!" LOL! I swear I will never forget that name and she won't let me because she says it about 20 times each episode. I give it to her though, she's a rockstar. Performing with her pants unzipped was funny...I applaud her for pressing on. Too funny!!

Love & Hip Hop: Why can't we all just get along??

Season 2 of "Love and Hip Hop" is underway and I must say these women live to entertain me. I'm not big on reality TV, but this show keeps my attention fo sho! After the first episode, I decided that I would provide my own recap of each episode.

Episode 1: "Still Look Pretty"

Way too much happened on the season opener, so I'm just gonna break down what I thought of everyone involved...

Mama Jones: She is a hot mess! Yes, she is funny, but it's also sad at the same time. I know she doesn't like Chrissy, but why be so disrespectful? Chrissy was mad wrong for calling her what she did, but she's a grown woman and needs to act like one. Why does she shop in the junior section of Macys???? Please mama mama please. That video was halarious!

Jimmy: He needs to put his mother in her place. I know he loves her, but I think he allows her to be who she is. He can put an end to it, but secretly....I think he likes the drama between them. Let me tell you this....if he was going to spend the rest of his life with Chrissy, he would make damn sure that his mother and her get along. I'm just sayin...Lose your ring and we are going to buy a new one??? Are you serious? And he didn't even look mad. And we can't get a ring for me?? Not even wanting to look at the ring for me??? How are we engaged?? Chrissy should have picked up her dignity and respect for herself, bought those earrings FOR HERSELF and walked out that store. Jimmy is a fool and he is NOT marrying her. It's time to let that ish go!

Chrissy: Now looka here...you can't tell any woman about herself until you clean up your own trashy backyard. She is insecure for sure. She did Kimbella the same way she did Somaya when she saw her. Just kept raggin on her clothes and how she looked. Who are you to judge you big oompa loompa? And you are happy that Emily is leaving Fab and doing her own thang...honey your man "lost" his engagement ring. Get a life! She is a disgrace to women everywhere. I am happy she does not have a child to witness this. 

Kimbella: I don't know what went down with Dipset and really don't care lol. She needed to humble herself and come into that situation with no agenda or bias. It didn't help that Chrissy clearly was not receptive. I can understand how Kimbella could be defensive with the tension in the room and feel ganged up on. Still hold your head up and don't give them anything to use against you. She did a good job with the first encounter...now I do not think she should have even gone to the thing at Emily's. Not even sure what that gathering was. LOL! Don't think it was the right place for her or the manager chick (where she came from idk lol). Anyway, the way she said it was okay, but she could have told her to the side later on another day. Emily handled it very well, but OOMPA LOOMPA wanted to make it bigger than it needed to be. Why are you so mad at her? But not mad at you man for "losing" his engagement ring?? I'm just saying. She's a bully and the way she went at her...Kimbella did not deserve that. That fool was just taking all her anger towards everything else in her unhappy life out on her. Get a punching bag and go to work on them abs instead, OOMPA LOOMPA. Kimbella gets the award for best line though..."I'm still pretty!" LOVES IT!!

Olivia: WHACK!!! Watching her is just embarrassing. Her and her bamma manager. Why does he talk like he's rapping? I can't take those 2 fools.

Somaya: She could use a diet regimen. I respect her hustle, but get a new manager and image. She needs a mentor.

Emily: Proud of her for moving on finally and I loved her convo with her daughter. That's a good mother. I pray she keeps her head up and walks tall AND leaves Fab alone for good, but from what I can see...she goes back like a dummy. SMH


Well that's my $0.02. Not that anyone cares. One thing that I do enjoy about this show is that the women have real issues. I know some of it is staged, but if you look deeper, you can see a lot of the daily inner battles that us "regular women" go through. I hope to use them as teaching tools for myself and other single or attached women out there.

Until next time, I'm still pretty LMAO!!

Sweet P

I'm conceited...I got a reason!

Wow! I haven't blogged in a long time. The last few months have been like a crazy storm mixed with tennis ball sized hail, knock you off your feet winds, hard rain mixed with a flood of tears and dark clouds with hints of warm sunshine peeking through. Emotionally, I was done. Mentally, I was drained. Spirituality, I felt dead. But physically, I always smiled. I smiled because in my heart I knew that this too shall pass. No need to wear the misery I was feeling because I made it was temporary. I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for sometimes.

Things have settled down now and I am piecing my life back together. I have given way too much to everything and everyone else and neglected the most important person in my life...Sweet P! This past weekend I got some much needed sleep and now I feel revived. Like I just gave birth to something amazing. Did some thinking too about my life and the me that I am today and an overwhelming feeling of love spilled over. There are some places that I want to strengthen and some new things I want to build, but I love Phyllis. So much in fact that there are some people who don't deserve the right to be her friend. LOL! I was talking to a sister-friend of mine yesterday who said that I am "good on and off paper." Love her for truly loving me enough to tell me the truth about myself. Tired Phyllis has dropped some balls this year, but luckily rest, prayer and my inner superwoman beat that  Funky P up and brought back Phenomenal P.

Phenomenal Woman

By: Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size   

But when I start to tell them,

They think I’m telling lies.

I say,

It’s in the reach of my arms,

The span of my hips,   

The stride of my step,   

The curl of my lips.   

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,   

That’s me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,   

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.   

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.   

I say,

It’s the fire in my eyes,   

And the flash of my teeth,   

The swing in my waist,   

And the joy in my feet.   

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered   

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can’t touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them,   

They say they still can’t see.   

I say,

It’s in the arch of my back,   

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Now you understand

Just why my head’s not bowed.   

I don’t shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.   

When you see me passing,

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It’s in the click of my heels,   

The bend of my hair,   

the palm of my hand,   

The need for my care.   

’Cause I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s (Sweet P)!!!

But yesterday was different..

So yesterday I experienced my first earthquake. It was the freakiest thing to have the floor move under your feet and watch the building move. I didn't have too much damage to my home. Just some broken pictures and glass and objects all over the floor. Nothing that can't be easily fixed or repaired. I was more shaken up than anything. One thing that did occur to me is that in times of turmoil, you always know how important you are to some folks. I always sit back when there is a snowstorm or some major event and see who calls to check in on me. Whose mind do I happen to cross....Who cares whether or not I'm okay....Who wants to extend a helping hand...Usually, I'm that person for everyone else, but rarely am I on the receiving end. Usually its okay. I brush it off because there is a higher power who ALWAYS has His hands on me.

But yesterday was different...

I was already sad about the day. It was the day I lost him. The absolute saddest day of my life. The only topic that I can't really speak on because nothing but sorrow comes from it. Every year I just press through it and before you know it the sadness settles and the smile returns. Peace is restored and I move on. But like I said, yesterday was different...

Because I was already tender...when I reached out to everyone I knew to make sure they were all okay, I was depleted. The little strength I had, I gave to everyone else, so when those very few individuals that I hoped to hear from didn't even call...it kinda hurt more that it should have. I should be used to it by now huh? Naw, I'm human so some things penetrate passed my Superwoman exterior like kryptonite.

I do appreciate when people show me who they really are though. It helps me treasure those gold nugget friends that I do have and shows me who my gold-plated friends really are.

Very interesting....

*Sweet P*

"My aim in life is never to be skinny," but I want to be healthy!

LOVE Adele!

Well I've been battling with this weight thing for some time. Exercise is just not fun to me. Eating cookies and brownies while drinking a coke and watching a movie on my sofa....that's what I call fun. However, I know it's not healthy. As I've gotten older my clothes fit differently and I get tired easily doing tasks that never bothered me before. Laziness is the reason I've sat around gaining weight and it's a disease I'm getting rid of today. The back and forth is over. I am making a conscious effort to be a healthier woman. Not to fit in an outfit or look good in pictures at my sister's wedding, but just so I can live a longer, richly fulfilled life.

OK so the first step is to hold myself accountable for my actions. Laila Ali is working on losing her baby weight and has challenged her fans to lose weight with her. She is using a tool called MyFitnessPal. You can enter you weight and track your accomplishments with the daily calculators. For any of you who are struggling to stay motivated, it may be something you might want to check out. We can add each other as friends and you can feel free to yell at me for no doing any exercising all week. I'm really competitive so seeing these numbers has me ready to reach my goal. I'm going to have a little counter on the side of my blog, so you can see my progress.

The only way this will work is if I am honest, so I promise to stay true to this process...So pouring my first glass of water now. They say I'm supposed to do 8 of these a day...prayer needed!

*Sweet P*

My Public Service Announcement to Parents

I have one request of every parent in the world. I don't care if you are a biological parent, adoptive parent, single parent, step-parent, play parent, divorced parent, or someone who acts as a parent or mentor in a child's life. All I ask is that you show that young person the love and attention that they crave. I don't care about how bad your day is, how little time you have, all the stuff on your to-do lists that needs to be done....none of that matters. That bad is gonna pass, but how you treat your child on that day will stay with them forever. Children don't understand about everything that you have going on in your life. All they care about is that you love them and express your love for them with a smile, a hug, a "Have a nice day," an "I'm so happy to see you," etc.

See my childhood wasn't all that great. This weekend I got to thinking what a difference it would have made to hear I love you or I appreciate you or I'm so happy you are my daughter or you are pretty from BOTH parents. When a parent shows indifference or anger towards their child it leaves a mark. It saddens me that right now I cannot think of one endearing movement that I shared with my father. I think if he showed me more affection when I was younger, I would be a different person today. Actually, I know that to be a fact. It took me a long time to heal from my past. Each day brings me closer to the point of being somewhat whole, but memories from my childhood will forever leave me somewhat broken.

How can you be broken and happy at the same time? See, I've grown to understand that how I was treated is not who I am. I also had the love of my mother that helped shape me into a strong woman. My mother was always there. Her love for me and my sister is undying and unconditional. Thank God I had that growing up. I cry now for those children who don't feel valued by either parent. I don't care how many times they act like they are okay or how big their smile is...they are dealing with a pain that could manifest into something so evil.

So I implore you spend more quality-time with your children. When your child comes to you with a book to read or a picture that they drew, stop everything that you are doing and listen. When you pick up your child from school, greet them with a hug and a kiss. Ask them how their day was and listen. At dinner, cut off the television and eat at the dinner table. Create an atmosphere of family-time and listen to what is going on in the life of your child. It's the little things that you leave people with that matter. Not money or fancy clothes. My favorite part of my childhood was my mother reading to me at night. She's the reason why I was reading before everyone else in kindergarten and the reason why I love to read and write. Imagine if at the end of her day she went to her room and just watched television....

*Sweet P*

Shaken, but I will not be broken...

I just noticed that I have only had one posting this month. That is a shame. It's conference season again and my life is not my own. Working crazy hours. Putting up with HER. Only seeing my home in the dark. And most of all missing the heck out of Maxwell and Idris (for those of you who don't know that is my bed and my sofa). I hope to spend some much needed QT with my men soon.

I have never been so happy to see Friday!! It's a long weekend and I plan to make the best of it. I've been working slave hours this week and feel so drained. The weather is going to be nice and the taste of the sun from yesterday lifted my spirits tremendously.

Right now I just can't wait until the last day of the conference, March 9!!! This is also Ash Wednesday and the day that Biggie died. Very symbolic!! The old me will die and return to ashes and dust and the new me will be reborn. I have so many plans for spring and summer. Big thangs poppin!!! My birthday, family weddings, dresses and heels, vacations, a half-marathon, flirting and more and more fun in the sun. This will be my focus as I try to refrain from cussing some folks out and losing my job. LOL!

Pray for me....See ya'll after March 9!!

*Sweet P*

I'll take the smell of roses over ish any day!!!

I was just talking to a girlfriend of mine and had a revelation....

We were talking about the song "Treat You Right" by Luther and how we so want a man who will do just that. I told her that it's so funny how we can say this now when for so long we accepted less than we deserved. Ain't it funny how you can smell ish for so long that you just get used to it? Doesn't even burn your nose anymore. Then when it's finally gone and tries to come back around, the smell is so strong you can't even open the front door!!!!

Now the sad part for me is that since I have been smelling the same ish for years and years, my nose does not know how to take something that's not funky. I'm questioning when someone comes around and smells like roses. That's a shame.

I'm just sitting here shaking my head on this one....P, you gotta do better....Appreciate that sweet smell and make sure you water those flowers so they grow girl!

Sometimes you gotta kick yourself in the butt!

Still learning,

*Sweet P*

Ima Ima MONSTER!!!!

It's really hard to be a woman sometimes. I've been trying to eat right and workout more consistently. Tired of talking about it and finally doing something more productive with myself. Things have been going well until...that time of the month came around. Now I just want to scream all throughout the day.

I want to eat everything I can't have like chocolate, cake, cookies, chips, candy, ice cream....ALL MY FAVORITE COMFORT SNACKS. I want pizza and fried chicken and burgers and all the side fixings that come with them like french fries. I feel like I'm on punishment right now and its unfair. In addition to the food cravings, I feel so fatigued and lazy. The thought of lifting weights or running makes me want to roll over in bed.

Yesterday I almost went to Five Guys after work, but talked myself out of it. I had walked down 13 flights of stairs and did not want all that hard work to be in vain. I couldn't believe that it was my voice I heard saying, "Don't do it. It's not worth it." I know that at some point I will get used to this, but every month this will be huge test for me.

Someone needs to create a patch for moods like this.

*Sweet P*

R.I.P. Lady T

Teena "Lady T" Marie

March 5, 1956 - December 26, 2010

This is one of my favorites....

Yesterday we lost a precious songbird: Teena Marie. She has been a major part of my good days when I rock out to songs like "Square Biz"; my bad days by lifting my mood with songs like "Irons in the Fire;" and sad days when I cry over past loves to songs like "Casanova Brown." I'm devastated to hear of her death.

The Lovergirl will be missed dearly. She had a spirit that made you smile at the sound of her voice. I pray now for her family and friends that every day brings them closer to peace and understanding. Shocking and sad, but her legacy of love that she left us all will live forever.

Tell someone you love them today, for tomorrow is definitely not promised...

*Sweet P*

I'm Dating Loneliness during the Holidays

I'm reading "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. She is a great author. There are some history lessons that I can do without, but she has left me with little chunks of life lessons that I'm using to take Phyllis to the next level. She forces you to look at the you in the mirror that you pretend is not looking back at you. I don't think it's by accident that I started reading this during the holiday season. God has a way of ordering my steps so that I'm standing upright and walking straight into my blessing.

The holidays can be lonely and sad at times. Yes, I can admit that I have my moments of "Bah Humbug!" The Lexus commercials where the husband shows the wife the car with the big red bow. All the jewelry commercials and the babies with their holiday cheer. It can beat a single person over the head. I've had a few melancholy days lately. I refuse to wallow in it though, so I give myself a pep talk and go deep in prayer mode. Honestly, from November-January God and I have the longest, most frequent conversations than any other months throughout the year.

Okay so here is where I begin being real with me....In the past years, my loneliness has caused me to talk to folks that I don't really like or hang out with people that I know are not good for me. This is how the unhealthy friendship that I let go of recently lasted over 10 years. Each year I would be so done with him, but the holidays come around and....yada yada yada.Yes, I have my family and friends, but there is something about having someone to hold, even if they are not yours to keep. I can see how people fall off the wagon during the holidays. You try to fill the empty space with something warm.

This is the first time I'm going into the holiday completely solo. I plan to ride the loneliness out. Rather than deny its existence, I'm learning to deal with it and find ways to cope that don't involve other people. I will embrace the activities that make me happy, like reading and writing, dancing to music videos in my living room, cooking all my favorite foods and baking sweet treats, laughing with my family and friends, cleaning (yes this brings me such joy), watching movies...the list goes on and on.

I would rather hug loneliness than kiss regret. Like Elizabeth says in her book, 

"When I get lonely these days, I think: "So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

Me and loneliness have a date this weekend and I'm making heart shaped sugar cookies. Yummy!

*Sweet P*

Cheers to you!!

Watching the Heat/Cavs game and the fans are boo-ing Lebron. Why??? What did he do? He thought of himself first and turned his back on his team. Isn't this what many people do everyday? Why are they giving him so much energy? This is exactly what he wants.

I see the bigger picture...If you really want to make the enemy shake, ignore him. Don't even look his way. What they need to do is cheer for him when he comes out. He would not know what to do about that. That would mess his game all up. Yay Lebron!!! We love you!!! He would be like WTH!!!

Don't ever let the enemy know they have gotten to you. Then they win. The whole stadium is up on their feet right now waving their towels....its sad because its been almost a year and they are holding a grudge over someone they have never met in person. Someone whose existence does not determine whether or not they will wake up to see another day.

Okay typing that just moved soemthing in my spirit....

Its Thursday and I've had a rough week at work dealing with someone that I can't stand to be in the same room with. It just occurred to me that she's my Lebron and I'm like these fans. The whole week is gone and I gave her everything I had this week and none of it was worth it. I'm sure she went home and rested easy while I went to bed with a headache. Hmph! Isn't God amazing....how He can show you how stupid you are through people and things around you.

I honestly didn't even see it until I started typing this...lesson learned. Tomorrow I'll high five her when she comes in the door and wave my sign that says, "Way to go!!" I'm gonna force her to foul out of the game, and I'm going home with the win.

GAME OVER!!

*Sweet P*