September 6, 2012

Can you really be friends with an EX?

This is a really hard question for me.

Once upon a time I would have said NO. Ex's are relationships that did not work out for whatever reason and they should just stay gone. Don't bring your past into your present. However, this was coming from a person whose one and only relationship ended badly. My ex is a non-factor in my life now. No ill feelings whatsoever. It's just the person I am today wouldn't even want to be friends with him. I was young. He was old and stupid. Now I'm older and wiser and he's still just old and stupid LOL

Today, I think my view on this depends.

What if you just dated for a period of time and you realized you were better off as friends? Say this is someone you grew up with and have known them practically all your life? It would be hard to just never speak again, especially if the relationship ended amicably. I could see how you could speak (occasionally) and see how the other person is doing.

But how can you be friends with an ex you had sex with? This is the hard part for me. I'm really not sure I am OK with that. In fact, I think I would have a problem with my man hanging out with women who've seen his penis. Being "friends" with someone you were with intimately and shared an emotional connection with can be a sticky situation. I think my issue is the definition of the friendship. What type of friend are you with your ex? Do you hang out and get drinks together? Are you calling him/her at all hours of the night? Now...if you trust him and he trusts you, then what's wrong with it? Yeah's just such a gray area that should be avoided to keep the peace. I kept going back and forth on my position on this, so I asked a few friends what their thoughts are on this subject:

  • T (male): Naa...that’s out of the question. I don’t want to be involved with no woman who still has any ties to any man because I’m sure they can hop in the sack together at any time.
  • E (female): I think it happens. I'm big on trust in a relationship. I think there are boundaries and as long as you figure out what those are, and everyone is OK with the rules, then you deal.
  • K (male): Really doesn't bother me. Every situation changes once a situation ends. I have exes that I am cool with. Talk to once a month. Once a week or everyday. I've even hooked exes up with other people. But that's just me. It's all about security. I don't believe once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. I believe every person should have a certain amount of control to control how much they drink. You don't tell a sex addict never to have sex again. It’s just all about self-control and self-discipline.
  • M (female): Yes I think it’s possible. My feeling about my man being friends with someone he slept with depends on him. How open he is with the situation that happened and how he acts when she calls, like leaving the room, etc. It’s such a thin line.
  • R (female): Friends that don't keep in contact is my preference, but I understand or whatever, just can't be buddy buddy. Text happy bday. Move on is my motto.
Again, such a touchy subject. I think that each case should be presented with all the evidence and couples should be really open about what is going on and how they really feel. Don't say, "Oh yeah I'm cool if ya'll are friends and hang out," then turn around and have an attitude when he gets home later from the bar and grill him all night about what he did and what he said and what did she wear and yada yada. It's not fair to him and it's just going to drive you crazy. 

Be open and honest. Communication and trust are two ingredients needed for a healthy relationship. That's the foundation that will keep your relationship intact when storms come. Be smart when you provide information though. I don't need to know every single time you have contact with your ex, but there are some interactions that need to be run by me first (if I have to tell him those instances, than we have bigger problems than his ex). 

I agree with one of my friends that it’s all about security. If I'm putting in my 100% and he adds his 100% to our relationship, then there is no way anyone else can meddle in that. Our plate is full and we are eating good!! Stay off my MF-in plate!! I'm never worried about another woman. I believe in trusting someone until they give you reason not to trust them. If I think too much about other women, then I'm saying that I'm not enough for my man. Don't give your mate's ex power over you.

I know this blog is all over the place, but some stuff in life is not black and white. I'm human so one day I may think rationally and be cool when his ex comes up and another day I may have green eyes for no reason at all. I just have to be adult enough to recognize if there really is a valid concern or if the issue is just within me. 

I know life didn't begin once Sweet P entered his world and vice versa, but can we just pretend that it did LOL

Sweet P