This is a really hard question for
me.
Once upon a time I would have said NO. Ex's are relationships that did not work out for whatever reason and they should just stay gone. Don't bring your past into your present. However, this was coming from a person whose one and only relationship ended badly. My ex is a non-factor in my life now. No ill feelings whatsoever. It's just the person I am today wouldn't even want to be friends with him. I was young. He was old and stupid. Now I'm older and wiser and he's still just old and stupid LOL
Today, I think my view on this is...it depends.
What if you just dated for a period of time and you realized you were better off as friends? Say this is someone you grew up with and have known them practically all your life? It would be hard to just never speak again, especially if the relationship ended amicably. I could see how you could speak (occasionally) and see how the other person is doing.
But how can you be friends with an ex you had sex with? This is the hard part for me. I'm really not sure I am OK with that. In fact, I think I would have a problem with my man hanging out with women who've seen his penis. Being "friends" with someone you were with intimately and shared an emotional connection with can be a sticky situation. I think my issue is the definition of the friendship. What type of friend are you with your ex? Do you hang out and get drinks together? Are you calling him/her at all hours of the night? Now...if you trust him and he trusts you, then what's wrong with it? Yeah but...it's just such a gray area that should be avoided to keep the peace. I kept going back and forth on my position on this, so I asked a few friends what their thoughts are on this subject:
- T (male): Naa...that’s out of the question. I don’t want to be involved with no woman who still has any ties to any man because I’m sure they can hop in the sack together at any time.
- E (female): I think it happens. I'm big on trust in a relationship. I think there are boundaries and as long as you figure out what those are, and everyone is OK with the rules, then you deal.
- K (male): Really doesn't bother me. Every situation changes once a situation ends. I have exes that I am cool with. Talk to once a month. Once a week or everyday. I've even hooked exes up with other people. But that's just me. It's all about security. I don't believe once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. I believe every person should have a certain amount of control to control how much they drink. You don't tell a sex addict never to have sex again. It’s just all about self-control and self-discipline.
- M (female): Yes I think it’s possible. My feeling about my man being friends with someone he slept with depends on him. How open he is with the situation that happened and how he acts when she calls, like leaving the room, etc. It’s such a thin line.
- R (female): Friends that don't keep in contact is my preference, but I understand or whatever, just can't be buddy buddy. Text happy bday. Move on is my motto.
Again, such a
touchy subject. I think that each case should be presented with all the
evidence and couples should be really open about what is going on and how they
really feel. Don't say, "Oh yeah I'm cool if ya'll are friends and hang
out," then turn around and have an attitude when he gets home later from
the bar and grill him all night about what he did and what he said and what did
she wear and yada yada. It's not fair to him and it's just going to drive you
crazy.
Be open and honest.
Communication and trust are two ingredients needed for a healthy relationship.
That's the foundation that will keep your relationship intact when
storms come. Be smart when you provide information though. I don't need to know
every single time you have contact with your ex, but there are some
interactions that need to be run by me first (if I have to tell him
those instances, than we have bigger problems than his ex).
I agree with one of my friends that it’s all about security. If I'm putting in my 100% and he adds his 100% to our relationship, then there is no way anyone else can meddle in that. Our plate is full and we are eating good!! Stay off my MF-in plate!! I'm never worried about another woman. I believe in trusting someone until they give you reason not to trust them. If I think too much about other women, then I'm saying that I'm not enough for my man. Don't give your mate's ex power over you.
I know this blog is all over the place, but some stuff in life is not black and white. I'm human so one day I may think rationally and be cool when his ex comes up and another day I may have green eyes for no reason at all. I just have to be adult enough to recognize if there really is a valid concern or if the issue is just within me.
I know life didn't begin once Sweet P entered his world and vice versa, but can we just pretend that it did LOL
Sweet P
From a male prospective, yes a man can just be friends with an ex that he slept with but it really depends on the people and the situation. For example, if a guy dated someone and he really liked her as a person, sure he could be just friends with her later. If a guy dated someone because she had, let say a big butt, probably not just friend material because that was all physical. If a man is treating his woman the way she wants to be treated and spending his time with her, the ex shouldn't be a problem because his time will be spent with the one he wants. If the man spends more time with the ex and everyone else than he does with his woman, well that should always be a red flag.
ReplyDeleteAs you rightly pointed out, there is no standard answer. I've been friends with many exes; that said I'm not sure whether I'd be comfortable in a situation whereby an ex and my present gf were all thrust into the same forum; perhaps all of us going to dinner together ! This also begs the question, would I be comfortable with my ex popping round for tea ? ( whether my gf was with me or not )...or how comfortable would I be with my gf's ex popping round for tea ? If I cannot categorically answer this in the affirmative, I think that one must ask the question (as one should with any friendship), where is this going and what is the long-term purpose of this ? Is it healthy for 'US' ie my new priority, my present relationship...Ultimately a cursory glance would dismiss an aversion to the presence of an ex lurking in the background to a debate around 'trust issues', when really there is probably more sense in focusing on what many of us struggle with...that of 'letting go'...arguably there is potentially more adventure and fulfillment to be had in the huge possibilities of infinite friendships yet to be had on your journey; friendships which do not exist with an 'awkward' dynamic with special rules, laying at the side of what you have or are trying to build with your current partner. Rather than clinging to a past relationship which could hold you back from fully leaving your past... deal with any residual feelings good or bad, grieve the thing if need be. Hold no grudges then leave it at that...life is too short...NEXT !!
ReplyDeleteGood topic.More Investigation should be done on different types of relationships. Do I have too give up a bond with someone that I have had with someone for years where I trust there judgement, or opinion, or I know they will be there in tough situations. I am not the type of man where you can just come into my life and start rearranging things because you are some sort of control freak or you are a very insecure person.
ReplyDeleteI don't think someone should have to give up a bond they have had for years with an ex. At the same time, a person should be trying to incorporate their new girlfriend/boyfriend into their life. If the ex is now a good friend of yours, there shouldn't be a problem with introducing your ex to your woman. I think from both sides, each person needs to take a look at whether they can deal with the situation the way it is. If not, then they aren't right for each other and it is time to move on. If a man isn't trying to bring an ex that is supposed to be a "friend" around their current woman, then that is a problem.
DeleteThis is a tough and touchy subject. It could be black and white for one person in a relationship and gray to the other. This is where you have to be careful. For instance, my husband (although he only has one ex before we got together) cut off all personal ties when we got together. I think he went a little too far because he even has a college friend that's a female who he used to be really close to, but I've seen him get more and more distant. I even have to tell him to check up on her sometimes.
ReplyDeleteMe on the other hand has plenty of male friends. Some are just that (friends, brothers even). I do have some friends that I still keep in contact with who I might have liked or had a crush on back in the day, but it was just that. Nothing more. Luckily, my husband is secure and never questions, but I also never give him a reason too.
It's easy to be black and white when you don't have to deal with an ex. If I did, I wonder how I would handle it. I would have to take it case by case. If you slept with her, I might have a problem. That doesnt make me insecure either. I just know that all the trust in the world you have for your man doesn't outweigh the lack of trust I have in females. Even if he thinks it's harmless talkin or hanging with his ex, just knowing that this woman could still have feelings is reason enough to nip it in the bud.