I just had a revelation....

I have a HUGE problem trusting people.

It is hard for me to allow anyone to do anything for me. Growing up the only man in my life would disappointment me over and over again. Now as an adult I have been stripped of the "joy of anticipation" gene. I look forward to nothing. People get excited for me when huge events or trips are on the horizon and I can't enjoy it because in the back of my mind I expect that something will go wrong. This is why I have turned into this Miss Independent Monster. I do EVERYTHING for myself because I won't give someone the opportunity to disappointment me. I can't remember the last time I asked someone for a favor. I know that it's a sick way to live. I can't even ask someone for a dollar for the vending machine when I am craving a candy bar and don't have change. The irony is that I love to do things for other people and find joy in helping someone in need. Why can't I allow someone to do the same for me? I don't know, but I need to learn to open up and let go. I need to know that if someone says no or does not come through with something, I will be okay. I need to learn to trust people.

Sunday was my first test. I have a good friend (let's call him Prince) that I have known for ages who comes in and out of my life because he had more important things to do than be bothered with me. Just kidding! He just has not been able to climb over my wall that I have built up. He is more resilient than most men I have dealt with because he has stuck it out. Anyway, I was leaving for a work trip and was going to once again drive and park rather than ask for someone to pick me up. I come back home late and did not want to be a bother. Again, it’s just easier for me to just do me than wait on someone. Prince offered to drop me off and pick me up. I declined at first, but thought about it and it did make more sense. I have to admit that I had my backup plan ready because I did not expect him to come on time. He surprised me and was hella early AND parked and waited with me, which was nice and unexpected. Now this is a baby step. I have this guard up that annoys even me, so I can imagine how I make others around me feel. It’s time to strip myself of this armor and reveal the REAL ME.

Okay so now I have to do an exorcism on my jezebel spirit AND work on opening up to people. It’s the most difficult thing in my life. I mean even though Prince proved himself, I still have a backup plan for getting home when I return. Why can’t I just believe that he will pick me up like he said he would? I have been this way for 30+ years, so this will not change overnight. Please be patient with me.

Let the renovations begin…

*Sweet P*