The Moment I Let Go ("Fall For You," Leela James)

OMG this song! Okay, so the first time I heard this song I said, "Leela can saaaaaaaaang!" I didn't even listen to the words. Then one day I sat and listened quietly and was in awe. First of all, Leela's voice is not even human. The beauty in the tone. The feeling of every single word. That's talent. A gift that I pray she continues to share with the world even though she is so underrated. 

Fall For You reminds me of the chapter of our Wait For Love story that is titled, "The Moment She Let Go." I don't even know if he remembers, but when we reconnected in May 2012 and started courting, I was so difficult. Actually difficult is probably the word he would use, but I would say I was scared. Past hurts made me very cautious. Things between us had always been good. Too good. So when we made it passed date #5967 it caught me off guard.

I'm so used to standing

So used to being on my own

But this thing is new, baby

It feels like I'm losing control

Now we get to the point in the chapter when I knew I had fallen, but I let fear come in...One day I told him that he didn't need to call me everyday. I thought I could back up a little and stabilize my feet back on the ground (see I had been flying since that first date and I was so off balance). I remember saying it would be cool if just talked here and there. That he was doing too much. I laugh now because I remember times when I wanted men I dated to call or see me more and here I am telling someone who was ALWAYS there, to fall back a little. Sigh...

So I tell him all this and he simply says, "OK." No argument. He didn't ask any questions. He complied. I thought everything was good and we were both on the same page. We continued our conversation and said goodnight. Then the next day, I didn't get my good morning baby text. I didn't realize that I even cared that much about them. Kinda was nice to wake up to it everyday, but I shrugged it off. I was cool. Then the afternoon came and he didn't check in to see how my day was going. Weird, but I was cool. I said maybe he's busy, so I sent him a how are you text and he responded, but hours later. 

Okay, so now I'm at the end of the day and I'm no longer cool. Heck, I never was. Just lying to myself. My day was off, but I refused to say why. So I called him and no answer. UGH!! He called me later that night and said that he was giving me what I asked for. His plan was to not call until the next day, but he missed me. He told me that I can't keep pushing him away. That I can't say "mean things" anymore. He wasn't going anywhere and I had to open up. So that's the moment I let go. That's the moment I knew my life would never be the same. 

I don't even know that woman anymore. I have grown so much and I'm grateful that God sent me a man that could do the earthly work on me that He had begun years ago. These last 2 years Calvin has helped me heal. I've taken more risks. I stopped expecting the worst and started hoping for the best , even if it meant I would be disappointed. Disappointment will come, but I no longer allow it to wear on me. My prayer is that you don't allow past hurts to keep you from that thing that God has for you. As Mama Oprah has taught me, "Whatever happened to me, happened for me. God is ready to move me in a new direction and I have no choice, but to take my glory and run!"

God catches me when I fall everyday and Calvin caught me when I fell in love.

My heart is ready

For love and to be loved

And I choose you, baby

That's the one thing I'm sure of

So I'll take this one last step

I'm engaged!!!

So the good news I've been holding out on is.....​I'm engaged!!! 

Yipeeeeee! It's so exciting and I'm so happy. This black woman will not be single for much longer 

HA!

​ Hmmmm maybe I should change my title to "Diary of a Single (but engaged) Black Woman." LOL 

And 

​the other good news is that ​I've been chosen 

​to be a "Real Bride Blogger" for Aisle Perfect!! Now you can follow me on my road to Mrs. Givens. Please check out the beautiful new AP website and read my first blog post 

to hear all about the proposal: 

http://aisleperfect.com/2014/06/apbride-meet-blogger-bride-phyllis.html.

Love Lessons from Crazy Eyes & Morello (SPOILER ALERT)

Okay, so I started Season 2 of "Orange is the New Black"and last night there was such a great interaction between two of the inmates. I absolutely love the characters and how colorful they all are. Some of the writing is superb and there are huge life lessons that you can take away from each episode....So anyway, not sure what episode I'm on, but it was when they were celebrating Valentine's Day. Crazy Eyes/Suzanne found the wedding invitation of Morello's love interest and confronted her about it. Here is what was said...

Crazy Eyes: ​I know something about loving people who aren't smart enough to wanna be loved back. The secret is, they don't deserve it.

Morello: ​What's crazy​ is ​I still wanna believe in love. Even after everything. Isn't that sad?

Crazy Eyes: ​No. ​I think that's brave.

I cried like a baby. I think I was already in a space because earlier in the day I heard that Ruby Dee had passed away and I was reading all these sweet stories about her and Ossie Davis's love. A love that I once longed for. A love that I always believed was real. Even when things looked bleak, I refused to settle for anything less than what I deserved. Yes, I got discouraged as I got older and still didn't have that love I was waiting for, but like Morello, there was still this part of me that knew he was out there.

So last night, the tears were not from sadness, but joy. I'm so happy that I know love. That I am with someone who loves me and is "smart enough to wanna be loved back." I never have to wonder how he feels about me. His actions show me every single day. The love between us is what keeps us together during those moments when we both get on each other's nerves (him more than me) LOL!!

Women like Morello and I have been in hurtful relationships and have had people treat us not so good, but we never stopped believing in love..."even after everything." Keep your faith in love. Be brave :-)

*Sweet P*

Hello June!!

I can't believe that it's June already! This year is flying by!

Once upon a time when I was younger, I longed for summer to get here, so I could have a break from school. Now I wish I could just press pause and take in everything going on in my life right now before things become crazy.

Wow, it's been ages since I last blogged and SO MUCH has happened in my life! I can't wait to share by big news!!!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Bye Bye Summer...

It was so chilly this morning!! Very bittersweet. Sad to say goodbye to the warm weather, but excited about this new season. This morning is when I finally accepted that summer is gone and some clothing items need to be put away until next year. Boo hoooooo! I will miss the heels and pretty sundresses and cute shorts and tops and all the outfits that I got to run the town with this summer. It was a hell of a ride! My head is still spinning from all the fun. Not one single solitary dull moment and I have 1 million pictures to prove it LOL! Good times with family and friends (old and new). And even better times with my homie lover friend, Calvin.

Great memories were made during the "Summer of 2013." Now I just want to BE STILL!!!! I requested from my circle of people a "me weekend." I just want some time to myself to do absolutely nothing. I miss those days…I'm in a place of such transition right now. The next year has the possibility for so many life-changing events and I want to have some time to catch my breath from everything over the past 2 years. From weddings to heartache to babies to new love to new job to LIFE....I'm spent! I just want to enjoy a little quiet time…It's funny, I think I blogged once about the quiet feeling so noisy. Now all I want is silence.

Sigh…

I have a feeling that this new season will be the calm before the storm. Not saying that something bad is going to happen, but there could be a lot of things that I will have to juggle at the same time or big events that I will have to plan and I just want to take the time out now to focus on my favorite person in the whole wide world – ME!

So at this very moment, I have no time for anything that will cause me stress. I have no desire to engage in any activities that do not bring me pleasure. I refuse to give energy to anything or anyone that makes me frustrated, sad or angry. In my spare time, I will be strengthening my faith, working on being an even better P and nurturing relationships that matter most to me. Anything outside of that can KICK ROCKS!!

I suggest that rather than mourn summer, you embrace this upcoming season with open arms. Hibernation means that you remain dormant and inactive for the winter. Don't do that! Start a new activity that you always wanted to try. Make contact with an old friend and talk to them face to face instead of through email or text. If there is something in your life that you are not happy with, actively work to change that. Most importantly, take a little time to give back to yourself and don't feel bad about it.

Don't let this fall/winter pass with regrets. 

Sweet P

"We who believe in freedom cannot rest..."

I haven't discussed the Zimmerman verdict with many people. It's just too despicable to talk about. Times like this all you can do is pray for better. It's sad that he was found not guilty (not even manslaughter was handed down), but it's even more sad that I wasn't surprised. As much as I wanted the world that I live in to get it right this time, I knew in my heart that the jury OF HIS PEERS would see that somehow he was justified in his actions that rainy night of February 26, 2012. 

Race was an issue that night. It is an issue today. And it will continue to be an issue until we come together and have real understanding of each other and love for one another. It can't happen if we profile our innocent, young black men who are just trying to get home late at night. It can't happen if we ridicule the last person who spoke to Trayvon that night because she doesn't look or speak the way you expect her to...Side Note: It disgusts me that we as Blacks found it fun and funny to talk about Rachel Jeantel, rather than encourage and lift her up.

Civil Rights Activist, Ella Josephine Baker once said, "Until the killing of black men, black mothers' sons, becomes as important to the rest of the country as the killing of white mothers' sons, we who believe in freedom cannot rest." Nope, this wasn't said last week. It was 1964. I love Sweet Honey in the Rock's "Ella's Song." It's so powerful. Today, when I listened to it, after everything that's happened, I sobbed for all the Trayvon's that didn't even have a chance in this daily battle against Injustice.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6 )

Praying for America,
*Sweet P *

What a difference a year makes...

Calvin and I are celebrating 1 year as a couple!!! WOOOOOW! Who woulda thunk it! I had no idea that when we went out that lovely Saturday afternoon in May 2012 that we would be here. It truly has been a life-changing experience for me. I'm definitely not the P that I was this time last year. This relationship has broken me and built me up at the same time. My life used to be comfortable, quiet and easy. HAAAA! All that has be thrown out the window for spontaneous, LOUD, crazy, outta control and insane. But....I wouldn't have it any other way because at the same time it's been fun, exhilarating, HA-larious and so extremely rewarding.

So after 1 year, here are the top 10 things that I have learned:

1. Relationships are HARD WORK!!! Yes indeedy!! Nothing about it is easy. You will argue. You will cry. Your feelings will be hurt. You will be ready to do bodily harm to the other person. Then you will turn around and want to kiss them. There will be rocky moments; it can't be avoided. But the good always outweighs the bad. When you are with who God designed for you, it ALWAYS has a way of working itself out and gets even better with time.
2. I'm not OK with being single. Period. Who was I fooling? It's not fun cooking all the time for one. I don't enjoy sleeping alone all the time (most of the time I do though LOL). I wasn't meant to live this life solo. Calvin and I are a dynamic duo. Like Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy, Lucy and Ricky Ricardo, Beauty and the Beast, Fred and Wilma Flintstone and Superman and Lois Lane. We just fit and neither of us will ever be "OK" without the other person ever again.
3. Not everything needs to be planned out or have a to-do list attached to it. I'm a perfectionist by nature. Lists for everything. I will plan a happy hour a month in advance. This relationship has tested all of that. What list? What plan? I could get a call today saying, "Be ready at 12. We are going to hang out." Hang out? What do I wear? Where are we going? HAAAA! Do you think I get answers to that?? Nope! I've learned to just be ready for anything. It was so hard for me at first, but now I go with the flow and love every minute of it. Calvin brought stupid, spur-of-the-moment fun into my life.
4. Its OK to lean and depend on someone else. Even if I'm disappointed; it's not the end of the world. Letting go makes my life much lighter. I've always been the man and woman in my life, so sometimes I forget that there is someone there who has my back. I can ask for help, even if I CAN do it myself. I need him around and I show him just that.
5. Love doesn't have to hurt. I read a quote that says, "Every woman deserves a man who will ruin her lipstick and not her mascara." So true. Being in love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Love doesn't lie to you, cheat on you or make you feel less than. It lifts you, frees you and makes you feel more alive.
6. There is a huge difference between dating and courting. That one you have to figure out on your own. Dating is easy. Courting requires more from you. Its the coursework for the final exam....Marriage. 
7. If it will make everything peaceful, just say "I'm sorry" even if you're not the one at fault. It doesn't take anything from you. It actually adds more than you know. 
8. Pick your battles. Bite your tongue. Some things just aren't worth the fight.
9. Appearances do matter. He likes it when you dress up and take time to look sexy for him. Keep the fire going. Keep him wanting more. Keep you on his mind 24/7.
10. Baltimore isn't all that bad. I guess...LOL

I'm looking forward to more and more lessons and growing old with my best friend.

Singing, it's our anniversary....

Sweet P

"Dark Girls" on OWN Sunday @ 10pm EST

On Sunday, June 23 at 10:00 pm EST, Oprah is premiering "Dark Girls" on OWN. 

Dark Girls is a fascinating and controversial film that goes underneath the surface to explore the prejudices dark-skinned women face throughout the world. It explores the roots of classism, racism and the lack of self-esteem within a segment of cultures.

This is an topic that is near and dear to my heart. In my blog "She's pretty for a dark skin girl.", I spoke of my issues growing up as a "dark-skinned" girl and how long it took to embrace all of my hot chocolaty-ness in a society where lighter skin was seen as better. My hope is that people will watch this documentary and use this as a discussion piece to help us unlock some of the crap that has kept us changed for way too long.

Sweet P

I am more beautiful than I think.

I was talking to a friend and he was commenting on how pretty I am. Not just pretty, but amazingly beautiful with model-like features. After I stopped laughing I said thank you and told him that I wish I saw what he saw. Yes, I can see beauty in myself and have grown over the years to love even the flaws, but sometimes all you can focus on are the flaws. That gets in the way of your overall perception of yourself.

After our conversation he sent me this Dove video and said that I reminded him of it. Its so powerful and so very true. We can be so critical of ourselves and others don't see half of what we see. I think this holds true for men and women. I'm going to work on speaking more positively about myself AND looking more for the good in others and focus less on the bad.

I also want to be mindful that people around me feed off my energy. If I wear my happiness, it looks better than if I put on down in the dumps. Today I'm feeling so blah, but no one else needs to know that. Anyone coming in my office today would think I was on top of the world. No point in making the ugliness show on the outside.

Sweet P

I wish that I could have this moment for life...

What a difference a year makes!! Last year this time I was getting ready to celebrate another birthday and was just blah. I wasn't unhappy; I was very much at peace. But I was just in a quiet place and didn't want the rah rah I usually engage in for my birthday. I had dinner with the fam and had this feeling in my bones that my life was going to go on a wonderful journey. I had no idea that it would take off with this speed, but I love every minute of it.

When I set out last year to live life more abundantly and to do it even if I'm afraid, I didn't know that God was going to really put me to the test. I've done things and been places and felt feelings that I never imagined I'd encounter. I even got weaved up (see picture)!!! So completely out of my character! And now after a few days, I'm loving my new look. Long hair don't care LOL!

I'm leaving  tomorrow to celebrate my birthday on the beach. A vacation that is long overdue and oh so needed! The best part is that I get to spend time with my bff, the love of my life (and his b-day is the day after mine). So excited! This will be our first trip away together. The first time we have spent this much time together. And the first time I have ever in my life traveled with a man....it should be very interesting and thrilling at the same time. I think we will both learn so much about one another that will take our relationship to a whole nutha level.

Right now, my heart is overflowing with all the love that I have experienced the last year. I have my niecey poo who makes me smile just by being around her. Then there's my mom, sis and bro who make my life easier when I pretend like I'm superwoman. It's nice to have people in your corner who TRULY care about you. Lastly, but certainly not the least, is my Calvin. My all-time favorite song is "Wait for Love" by Luther. I've annoyed many people singing this. I swear the song was made just for me. So so happy I waited for the love he sings about. "I was hoping one day there could be a chance for me to get the love that I been missin'. Sometimes love takes a long time, but wait for love and you're gonna get the chance to love." Well my time is now and I'm on cloud 9!

All this began with God, who gave me a peace that surpasses all understanding. That peace opened me up to so much. As I cross over into another year of life, I'm filled with such gratefulness. This joy I have, can't nothing or nobody take it away.

I wish that I could have this moment for life!

Happy Birthday to ME...and my baby!

*Sweet P*